Love Circle
I never was able to create a consistent love circle for myself.
I seem to have rejected the women that have loved me. I was Unaware of my need to push them away.
Boy did I miss the point of life.
“ Hindsight is a Hollow Tool”
I would love if all my attempts in therapy would focus on this issue. However I was too busy with the Arguments of the moment, sorry to say.
I took the easy way out focusing on my career, both guitarist and then computer support person.
I realize that I resent my remaining relatives that do not wish to be friendly at this point in our lives.
I seem to have a sister who really does not wish to speak to me. She is much more comfortable with email not speaking much. I do try to speak to her, however she is not thrilled when I call, perhaps this is just me?
Her husband if he picks up the phone he uses the phase “it’s your brother. ”
I guess I alienated him too.
I now realize that I may not been there for them before my stroke.
Maybe that is the basis of their disinterest in me at this lonely time of my old age.
I grew up in a house hold with a raging father, who got in a rage over everything. Lot of fights between Dad and Mom, and unfortunately between my Dad and many others.
I seem to get really angry at really very small things. My poor friends who had to listing to my rage.
It was now November 2020, and my isolation is quite strong, It now year Two of the Pandemic.
I Dread the “Holidays”
I used to play gigs to get through the time period between Jewish Holy Days and Thanksgiving through Christmas and New Year Eve. Often to avoid my alienation from family.
How to meet new people at my age?
After I became disabled at the age of 54. I Haven't found a decent way of coping.
I can see all my failures as a friend and lover, and dwell on them.
Too late perhaps. I was quite selfish, wrapped up in my need to be “ on stage.”